Welp… this is an update I never thought I’d be sharing. But here goes…
A few days ago I had to call the police on my dad.
If you are someone who has ever suffered at the hands of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, this is for you. I see you. I know. Even when the world can’t see what we can, know you are not alone.
My dad was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and is a classic case of Malignant Narcissism with rage to boot. As is common with a Narcissist, my family dynamic consisted of a mother with diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (who was equally abusive), a golden child brother (which doesn’t negate his own trauma in our dysfunctional dynamic), and I was the scapegoat.
The scapegoat is often treated as the source of all the dysfunction, which protects the Narcissist and Borderline abusers from ever taking real accountability. Often Narcissists and Borderlines project their own insecurities, rage, shame, flaws, onto the scapegoat creating the narrative that the scapegoat is “defective” or “bad”. Scape goats also act as the family’s pressure valve, absorbing the stress, tension, unhappiness of the household which keeps the toxic system running and other members “regulated”- well as regulated as one can be.
Specifically in my case my dad treated me like property, like something he owned and could do whatever he wanted with. I remember being in elementary school, no joke, and he’d take me out to eat, which appeared as special, just so that he could sling all his earthly cares and concerns on me like I was his on demand therapist. These conversations were no where near appropriate for a child (it’s no wonder I developed crippling anxiety very young- which thanks to my work I’m totally free from). I heard about all his financial fears, who he hated and why it’s their fault, it even turned to his sexual escapades once divorced from my mom and asking me if women were “too fat” for him (mind you, some of these women were around my size). I remember one of my aunts telling me when I was young that he treats me more like a wife than a daughter… yah, a Stockholm syndrome child bride.
When he wasn’t using me as his personal commode to dump his filth in, he was often flying into a rage without warning. And I do mean RAGE.
But then he’d come in and do something incredibly financially generous, something that truly helped me out. Kind of shocking presents and such. But then he’d see that as his ability to “own” me all over again. As if he gained some control over me. Gifts were never given freely, I learned that young. They were given with a price to pay and he was going to collect.
He’s never once respected a boundary I’ve laid down, blazing through them accusing me of being the problem, not his outrageously inappropriate behavior. You see, when dealing with a narcissist, they are always the victim and you’re always the one overreacting.
Him and I have been pretty estranged most of my adult life, every now and then I’ll send a happy birthday text or something like that. Or he’ll try to get back into contact with me by doing something truly very generous, as I mentioned, but then I always remember why I promised myself, never again! There’s been years that have passed with absolutely no contact as reasoning with a narcissist is like trying to teach an infant physics. You aren’t speaking to someone capable of hearing you. You’re speaking to someone who is very mentally ill and who projects their reality onto everyone, never receives the truth.
Anyhow, I’ve really had nothing to do with him for years and lo and behold, here I am in the middle of a work day a few days ago and guess who shows up at my doorstep unannounced. Now mind you, he lives in an entirely different state. He’s never been invited here. And he brought a woman I don’t know. He is a womanizer and has been in countless marriages and relationships, they all end with the woman vehemently hating him. I’ve drawn boundaries for years that he’s never to introduce me to his latest conquest. But of course…. I’m dealing with a diagnosed narcissist…. It’s always about him and never about me. Even a narcissist’s generosity is about them feeling good about themselves, it’s not actually about blessing you.
Anyhow, these two show up to my property, ringing my doorbell and knocking incessantly, jamming their faces into my windows looking around, checking for doors that are unlocked, gate that could be unlocked as if they planned on just helping themselves into my property without invitation. And if that’s not enough of a violation, they go corner my neighbor and ask her what kind of car I drive, if she knows where I am, and where do I keep my horses! Luckily my neighbor’s inner alarm system went off and she promptly reached out to me. My neighbors on different sides just watched as these two proceeded to blaze past countless boundaries in record time. Coming and going to my property. Like they owned the place.
Shout out to my neighbors for being the absolute best neighbors a girl could ask for. From “want me to remove him from your property?” To “we love you so much, Ashley. We’re here! This is so wrong!” To taking pictures of them around my property…. My neighbors were like a heavenly sent army to hold a mirror of “THIS IS NOT OKAY ASH! WE HAVE YOUR BACK!”
Did he ever think I could be in the middle of seeing clients and he’s disturbing my work? No because the whole nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that they don’t accurately perceive your needs, only project theirs.
Did he ever once think, maybe he shouldn’t drive 20 hours across state lines without an invitation to do so? No of course not, because it’s the him show…. You’re either a supporting actor or a villain.
Oh I can just hear the stories he’s telling now about me…. He’s probably leaving the parts out about how he tortured me mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and inadvertently sexually.
But that’s just a snap shot of what life with a narcissist is like.
Because I’ve learned there is absolutely no reasoning with a narcissist, and that he lacks all abilities to hold any appropriate boundaries I set for him (boundaries to a narcissist are like invitations to do the Mexican hat dance all over them) so I decided to do what childhood Ash was never able to do, have my legal rights enforced. An amazing deputy came to my home who “coincidentally” (I see you God…) has a narcissistic parent as well and has dealt with the same. With so much compassion he got my dad on the phone, legally trespassed him, and explained if he were ever to step on my property again he could be arrested.
And that was that.
But then the next phase happens… as my friend so eloquently stated about her narcissistic parent, there’s often guilt that tries to overtake because none of us want to have to do these types of things to our parents. At the core, we love our parents- even the ones that hurt us. And it’s completely and entirely unnatural to have to be put in this position. There’s no winner here. Just understanding that when dealing with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there is no reasoning. And that is heartbreaking, because at the core- we all want parents we can love and who can love us safely and in healthy ways. Make no mistake, I love my dad dearly. And I know in what understanding of “love” he’s currently capable of, he loves me too. I wish he could be set free and the man God created him to be. And I pray for his freedom often.
Now do you understand why the work I do is so personal to me? It’s not a “job”, it’s a life mission helping people be set free of the injustices they didn’t ask for, finally be free of the reign of terror and torments, and live lives totally redeemed from the trauma.
I was told by mental health professionals very young that I could only manage the symptoms of panic, anxiety, depression, trauma, etc etc etc etc. I was given a life sentence of coping mechanisms but told freedom was impossible. And yet here I am today, going into my 18th year of doing this work in some form or another, with countless testimonies all over the world of incredible souls who got to walk free too and live joy centered lives, redeemed, restored, and quite frankly… kicking derrière in life.
If you’ve been through similar traumas, I’ll remind you…. You’re not crazy. I believe you. And I will stand with you till you’re free. Click here to schedule a consultation
I’m blessed to be able to do this work and have these resources at my finger tips as I was able to do my own work on myself and utilize neuroplasticity to negate any ill effects of trauma and move through the shock of this ambush quickly. I make these resources available to you within my programs. They are life changing. So please reach out if you’re suffering.
Stay tuned, because this sharing addressed the natural… but in true Ash fashion, there’s a supernatural piece to this. I dreamed this all would happen before it did… if the spiritual side of things is your jam… be on the lookout for my next sharing… it’s pretty wild.
You are loved! Never give up.
